* A fireman is close to dying and asks his wife not to bury him in his fireman’s uniform. “If St. Peter sees me he may send me directly to hell to put out fires!”

* God looked down to earth and saw the bad behaviour that was going on, He sent an angel to check on it. When the angel returned, he reported: “Yes, Lord, it’s true: 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are good.” God was not pleased, so He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good. Do you know what the e-mail said? No? Just wondering: I didn’t get one either.

* Van and his ever nagging wife went on holiday to Jerusalem. While there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband: “You can have her shipped home for R30 000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for R900.” Van thought about it and told him he would have her shipped home. The undertaker asked: “Why would you spend R30 000 to send your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only R900?” Van replied: “Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”

* An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested that there be no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote: “They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.”

Q. What kind of man was Boaz when he married
Ruth?

A. Ruthless.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?

A. Joshua, son of Nun.

* Why do women have cleaner minds than men? Because they change them more often.

* Adam didn’t come home all night. Next morning he comes to the garden of Eden, very tired with bags under his eyes. Eve is suspicious: “Did you spend the night with some other woman?” Adam is incredulous: “How can that be? You are the only woman in the world.” With that he falls asleep and Eve, very carefully counts his ribs.

* Two naughty boys steal a bag of oranges one night and go to the local graveyard to share them. They drop two at the gate, but can’t find them. Later a passing drunk man hears voices; “One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you …” He runs to his local priest and says: “Come and hear God and satan sharing corpses at the cemetery.” Standing at the graveyard gates they hear voices: “One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you. But what about the two at the gate?” The priest was the first to run for his life.

* Two men seated behind a nun at a rugby final at Loftus are irritated by her tail headgear restricting their view of the game. One man says loudly, “I hope they hold the next final in Jo’burg, not many nuns there.” The nun turns around, smiles sweetly and says, “Why don’t you go to hell? There are no nuns.”

* Can’t sleep? Try counting your blessings.

Don’t wait for the hearse to take you to church.

God answers knee-mail.

Never give the devil a lift, he’ll always want to drive.

A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.

Prevent tooth decay, brush up on your Bible.

It’s hard to stumble when you are down on your knees.

Forbidden fruits creates many jams.

What part of “Thou shalt not” don’t you understand?

(By Dineke Wright (D) of Benoni—Thanks. Eds.)